A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Gap

My niece is getting married soon and I have yet to find a dress to wear. I want to find a wrap dress in a bright color. I love wrap dresses. They feel so good on and look great on most body types, especially mine, with a smaller waist and ample hips. I like the word ample. It sure sounds better than big!  I found this one online at The Gap. It is similar to a couple that I already have but they aren’t in summer colors. I want the sleeves to be shorter but you get the idea of what I have my mind set on.

I had exactly an hour to run in and do a little shopping by myself in hopes of finding the dress. The kids are all home for summer vacation and it is almost impossible to take them shopping with me, especially for clothes. The majority of my clothes purchases lately have been at Costco or Target. Yes, my wardrobe has to take a ride in the shopping cart along with toilet paper and hair care products before it gets to hang in my closet!

For a wedding outfit, I thought I might splurge a little and find a dress that can be purchased at a store without groceries inside. I went to a shopping center that is located pretty close to my house. It has the typical strip center stores in any town USA. I was on a mission to make the most of my hour alone.

My first stop was Versona. The last time I was in there they had a lot of dresses plus I could drool over their accessories. Can you believe that every single dress in my size that had sleeves was gone? The only dresses left were all sleeveless. I am not about to wear a sleeveless dress. I moved on to the next store.

I walked into Victoria’s Secret. I have no idea why. Ever since they started selling underwear with sayings written on the back of them, they lost me. The perfume smell is just too much and makes me sneeze. I think you need a PhD to understand their sales too. They always rattle them off so fast the minute you walk in the door. “if you buy $50 worth and purchase at least 2 items of this brand but not this one then you get this .25 tube of lotion for free”  That just made my head hurt. I quickly left.

The next store was Talbot’s. I like Talbot’s. It ‘s just rather pricey for me. I am cheap but they do have a good sale on. I look around to see what they have and most of their sizes are picked over too. Is this a conspiracy? Are all dresses this season sleeveless?  Can I get First Lady arms by next week? Probably not.

The next store in line was Chico’s. I have only bought accessories in this store but I knew that I would find some longer sleeved dresses in there. When I look around, I notice that I am the youngest person in there by about 30 years! A retirement community had just dropped off some ladies for an afternoon of shopping. Oh dear. How has my need for a dress with actual sleeves fast tracked me to a retirement home? I quickly left. I was dazed. I was confused. I was feeling every bit of my 46 years and 359 days old. I saw my future and it was wearing orthopedic shoes.

I spotted a new store called Soma. It looked harmless. It sells bras. I decided to buy a new bra because it has no age limits. A perky young sales girl greeted me at the door.

Girl: “What are you looking for today?

Me:  “I want to buy the prettiest and most comfortable bra you carry!”

Girl: “Do you need extra lift? Do you have problems with sagging?”

Me: “Oh, dear Lord, not here too!”

I go ahead and get measured and try and hurry up and the get heck out of there. My quick shopping excursion has quickly turned into a unintended recruitment ad for the AARP. I glance at some of the fancy pajamas that are on the sale rack and I get asked:

Girl: “Do you want to try on that one? It is on sale for $50”

Me: “Honey, if I come home with pajamas that fancy, my husband of eighteen years will think I’m fooling around!”

Girl: Long pause and slight look of puzzlement.

I buy my new pretty bra without even trying it on. My head was still spinning from the sudden realization that I am too old for the junior department but far too young for orthopedic shoes.

That was yesterday.

Today, I am taking the big Stud out dancing while wearing my high heels. I am going to wear an old wrap dress I had in my closet. It might be old but it has an awful lot of life left in it!

Stay Sassy Ya’ll.